The Great Divide

The concept of living 'in the moment'... it's the first to go. It's surprising. In the moment is... close. Living close to the surface. Not in that loose, dependent way... but in the way that's true to yourself. Life, such as we live it, pushes me back into my own shell. It's an escalating scenario. The further I retreat, the higher the stakes seem to get. Everything becomes more important, and less empowering. It's all about appearances, after all, and weakness isn't very appealing.

I wonder where I would be if I was never afraid of myself.

So... eventually I'm far enough from the surface that I don't even remember that it's there. Do you know that subway look? Straight ahead, eyes looking outside.. at nothing. Face completely unaffected. "Gonna be late. Gotta get there." "Gotta get home.. done my time..."

There's so much power in living close to the surface. So much energy there. There's no energy in cynicism, or safety.

I'm finding this urgent right now.

You slip into it. Suddenly everybody is on the block, up for judgement. It's for you or against you. People are too slow, too loud, too simple to keep up. Only.. you aren't doing anything.. just watching, retreating, and labeling. And what's really kicking you while you're down is the fact that you aren't having any fun. You aren't living at all, and you know it. You aren't smiling, you aren't crying. You're just there.. another cog.


This is a turnaround that has to happen with me. It's my own decision to up and out. I don't always know how, but.. I know where I'm coming from, and I think that's a start.