found and finding: meet reality

i had a good drive in this morning. i was able to do a fair amount of heavy thinking... i have to re-evaluate what it means to live love. it's something that i haven't been deliberate about in the past while, and i feel it showing. i have the phrase branded on my body for goodness sake, and it's everything that i want to be about.. but it takes a measure of focus and intentionality to make it happen consistently.

i'm helplessly swept up in the pace of life if i'm not careful, and i find that general 'niceness', being good to the people around me, known or unkown, becomes a liability.. a nuisance. i don't have time to say thank you, to ask how somebody is doing, to consider them before considering myself. because asking means listening, and listening means waiting, and waiting means patience, and i can't afford that.

i've been made aware of the fact that.. when you're bumped, it's what you're full of that spills out. well... i've been bumped a few times in the past month or so, both literally, and figuratively, and i'm somewhat ashamed of what came out of me on those occassions. i can develop such an unbelievably strong sense of protectiveness and caution about my life, my situation, my comfort.

i want to see inconveniences as opportunities. i want to see accidents as accidents, people as people, and each day as an experience i'm lucky to have.

i want to, at this time in my life, stop travelling and start arriving... in the sense that.. when i find myself pushing others away in an attempt to better set me up to achieve a goal, then i know i have a severe lack of balance and perspective.

man.. as i write this, i've got a smile on my face because, in reality, i would do well to listen to my own songs.

J